This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
