wanna go halves on a baby?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
