you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
