You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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