Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
