I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
