In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
