I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm like, not good at living.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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