1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think your dad took our porno
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize