I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
