Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
