My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
