don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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