i just sent this text using only my big toe
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
