i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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