Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
