I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize