A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
