my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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