We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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