everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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