her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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