Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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