Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
