I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
