Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
