What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize