Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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