Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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