I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
