Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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