There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
