Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
