I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
