How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
