I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize