He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize