I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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