Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize