you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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