Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
