there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
