you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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