He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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