Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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