but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
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