did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
