Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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