ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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