i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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