Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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