Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
