where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
