dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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