im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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