my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
