i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
