I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
