made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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