Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
