i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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