3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
