Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
