Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
