Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize