so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize
