So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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